Saturday, 31 January 2009

Today - now with title!

Today has been a busy day. I woke up at 11.15, but was able to spend another 55 minutes just lying there. That was nice. I wish that I had the opportunity to do that more often; it would probably make it quite boring after a few goes, and I would just get up and get stuff done.

Having got up and eaten breakfast, we went into City for Potato Day. This is an annual event during which one can purchase organic seed potatoes for 15p each. I bought 36 potatoes (6 each of 6 varieties) and am pleased with my haul. Last year they did not have Maris Peer (2nd early) in stock, but this year they did: cause for much rejoicing, and all that. They also still had Red Duke of York (1st early) and Arran Victory (maincrop), which was great - I love the red and purple ones the most: it's like digging up jewels, then you get to eat them! Also, I like to make a potato salad out of Red Duke of York for my birthday party in June. Last year it took a whole row of them to make one potato salad, but it is always worth it. I also bought Bamboo, a salad potato, Remarka (maincrop - good at blight resistance, apparently) and Maris Bard (1st early). These are an experiment, and I hope they pay off. At the very least, I hope not to have the blight problems we had last year and the year before. Please, God, make it rain less this year.

After that had been achieved, we went to HWSNBN's mother's house and painted the garage floor. We used a little over half the tin for the first coat - I really hope we have enough for the second coat tomorrow. The wind kept blowing leaves onto the wet paint (where did they come from? Autumn was ages ago! Having said that, I was looking at some fat sheep a few days ago and wondered how they had got so fat, it being autumn and them, presumably, being only recently impregnated. I now realise that I was wrong; autumn was ages ago, and they will be giving birth very shortly. Saw my first 2009 lambs this morning), which was frustrating: it was very satisfying to shut the garage door. I am now less than enthusiastic about the second coat, which is a shame. I was hoping to have enough enthusiasm to do both coats without any problems, but that does not look likely. HWSNBN's mum will be making us dinner after we finish the second coat, though, which is a good incentive.

Speaking of whom, I looked under her bathroom sink today and discovered a stockpile of my soaps. I though that she had run out, but it doesn't look as though she is using them at all. Ah well - it means that I don't have to worry about making enough for her next time. More for Serena, who doesn't seem to use any other sort of soap at the moment. It is a bit frustrating, though - I think I gave her some of my best soaps, which I have now run out of. I want to give them to someone else now (i.e. Linda - no way I'm going to be able to make her a lavender soap in the near future, but I know a person who has one going spare now), but never mind. At least I know now. It is very frustrating always to receive the wrong presents from people, which they mistakenly believe that one likes, but one, in fact, hates. I shall be able to avoid doing that, and potentially inducing guilt, now. She would be better off with some of my soaps than with that liquid soap she uses, though - mine are full of all sorts of goodies.

Sorry - did I just go off on one? Please be assured that there are no hard feelings there, although there is an awful lot of poorly written stuff.

As it appears that I am currently operating on an "it is in my head; let's get it out here" basis, may I take a moment to say how much I love my new shoes? They are black and shiny, and have long ankle straps which go round twice. They look quite elegant, which is unusual for shoes belonging to me. They are also really comfortable for climbing shoes.* Which is something, I suppose. I hope that I will have worn them in sufficiently to be worn on an actual outing some time soon...

Other than that, it appears that the truffles I made before Christmas really need eating now (damn), so I am making a gentle start with that. Two is a good start; I can have a few more tomorrow.

Now I had better practise tomorrow's hymn. I could do with sounding as though I have seen an organ before, as we have a visiting preacher. Also, I mustn't forget to collect Jeanne on my way there - must text her now to remind her she's supposed to be waiting for me...

*Climbing shoes are not comfortable. They have to be really close-fitting to be useful, and this often has its disadvantages. I would love it if all climbing shoes were as comfortable as these shoes; alas, they are not.

Friday, 30 January 2009

I survived!

The maths lessons are now over: thank goodness for that.

The first one did not go well - the exercise sheet I prepared was not well-prepared and had difficult exercises at the beginning and easy ones at the end. I kind of lost the class, and ended up babbling and losing the ability to add up and to write on the board. This was about 20 minutes after I finally lost the attention of the class, but fortunately the lesson did not last long after that. I am not convinced that many of them will have learned anything. I think that the Oxford English Dictionary may now be in the process of re-defining the word "crap" to include my lesson.

Before the second lesson I re-jigged the exercise sheet so that it was in the right order; that lesson went a lot better. We nearly got through the whole lesson, and it went along at what I considered to be a good pace, with plenty of time to talk to individual students and also quite a few comparatively fun bits. This very nearly made up for the profoundly unimpressive performance I produced in the morning, and made me feel a lot better. The class behaved less well (like teenagers in their own clothes (as opposed to school uniform) away from school on a Friday afternoon, in fact), though. It was a pity that the unruly class got the good lesson while the well-behaved class had to put up with a shambles.

Now I have to start to concentrate on the business of moving house. Mother says that she and Father, along with Anne and maybe Robert will come on 27th Feb and help to clean the new house, then help me to move on 28th, then help to clean the old house on 1st March. This will be very useful; cleaning is a nightmare! Also, as HWSNBN's dad is no longer alive, we will not have his help with the moving of things - he helped a lot last time and also drove the van.

Tomorrow we will paint HWSNBN's garage floor to seal it (so that it stops shedding concrete), and we will then be able to use the garage to store our boxes for a few weeks. That will help a large amount: the thing I hate the very most about packing is that one fills loads of boxes, but then has no space to fill additional boxes because the place is already filled with boxes. This way we will be able to look as though we are organised, and stuff.

HWSNBN still doesn't know about the hammocks. Mother thinks that perhaps they were a bad idea, but that I might be able to put hooks in my walls from which to hang them. I think that the landlord may not be impressed. We then discussed my wrought iron candelabra and my desire to have it up in my new kitchen. Mother says that it will make the ceiling black, and that I should use it in my back yard. Given that I acquired this about 5 years ago, and that I have to cart it about with me, it really would be useful if I were to get to use it.

I am looking forward to the space in the new house, and am feeling less anxious with the (mostly) successful completion of the maths lessons (nobody died nor ran riot, nor was the projector hit with an exercise ball) and the doing of an unbloggable thing today. I am .looking forward to jettisoning some Things and moving...

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Maths. Woo. Hoo.

As I type, HWSNBN is getting my exercise ball down from the loft. I shall use it on Friday; my students can throw it around the room. I am sure that it will be more interesting than anything I am going to be teaching them (although I shall not release it until they have calculated its volume).

I can't find a GCSE maths curriculum online, though. This is most disappointing; it would be useful if I were to know what I was actually supposed to be teaching. Ho hum. They'll just have to get what they are given, I suppose. My dearest uncle McMillan has just provided me with some material, though, so all may not be lost. Except for with my writing, which is beyond dreadful.

I got more felt today, along with some more felting needles. These are not vicious, as I was promised by a certain Lisa, though; they just have indentations in them. I even bought the full range of sizes so that I could guarantee to damage myself. The felt is in two shades of green, two shades of red/orange and white person flesh. I forgot to get brown. I hope that when I lead the session on felt making, nobody wants to make any animal-coloured animals other than frogs, goldfish, superlambananas and people. Oh, and pigs, salmon and sheep, of course.

HWSNBN doesn't yet know that I bought two hammocks today. I don't know how I am going to break that one to him, as it was clearly both contra-indicated and forbidden, under the circumstances. They are not tiny. If we had hammock-hooks in the new house, they might be a good idea. As it is, they may have to wait a while before I use them. Wouldn't hammock hooks be great, though? I could also get one for that wrought iron candelabra my friend bought for my birthday several years ago. It would be useful to use it, rather than simply carting it from loft to loft (which, incidentally, stops here as we won't have a loft next time. Not that the candelabra does - the loft does).

Bed, methinks. Night night!

Monday, 26 January 2009

Looking promising

Well, we signed the contract. Now to discontinue the old contract and get packing.

The kitchen in the new place is dreadful: it was probably ultra-modern in 1953. I may have to make a new one. I do hope that I can afford to do so; it would be an excellent joinery exercise. Not that I haven't made a kitchen before, you understand, but this time I might use some actual joinery techniques rather than just drilling holes and inserting screws. I would make pretty doors and ensure that the hinge holes were in the correct place. Hmm; we shall see.

The maths teaching thing is still on. I am getting increasingly worried. Roll on 3.15 on Friday. Except that I need more time to prepare.

On Saturday, we are due to paint HWSNBN's mum's garage floor with concrete sealant. We will then be able to stack our boxes of packed stuff in there, thus making way for other boxes of stuff.

I am still terrified by the whole moving thing, and probably also by the maths teaching thing. And also with the "what do I do next, career-wise" thing. Also by the whole difficulty with making this new house comfortable and beautiful.

But now it is time for bed. More complaining and terrified squirming soon!

And yes, the title is a bit weird with the contents of this post. But it really is looking promising - it will be good when we are settled and can walk to the pub! I just don't know what it is going to cost (financially and in terms of upset) to get to that stage. I am so annoyingly contrary. Humph.

Friday, 23 January 2009


So.* I found us a new house. I spoke to the current tenants and to the landlord, and it looks as though we are likely to move in to it in just over a month. Nothing is signed yet, and there is still plenty which can go wrong, but I am hopeful.

This new house is quite different from our current house. It is quite a bit bigger: it has three bedrooms instead of two; the main bedroom is a decent size; two reception rooms instead of just one (although they are each quite a bit smaller than our current living room) and a large kitchen diner. It has storage cupboards built in (joy of joys!) and the cupboard under the stairs is a real thing instead of just something which could have happened had they made a hole in the wall.

It has a yard instead of a garden (good: no cat poo; bad: no garden), and a small brick outbuilding instead of a garage (not great, but OK), and no loft (where on earth will we put our supply of boxes for when we move next time? Oh, I remember: HWSNBN's mum's garage's attic).

It is in town, but away from the centre. We will be able to walk to the centre to the pub without any problems, and back again even more easily (because alcohol makes walks shorter and less challenging unless one needs a wee), but HWSNBN will not have to cope with the one-way system to get to the motorway to go to work in Next City Down, where he works. We currently live half-way between City and Next City Down, so it will be more of a drive for him, but I don't think that the difference will be too great. Coming home, he may have difficulties getting on to the motorway, as the queues may not be very nice. I shall be able to cycle to work on my new-to-me bike. Hooray! I get to actually use it, and my bright yellow semi-waterproof garment.

Today I am terrified. It seems as though the list of things I must get through is insurmountable. HWSNBN says that I must also get rid of a lot of clothes before we move, too. I reckon I need to get rid of about half of them, which will be traumatic. I am very tempted to buy many, many garments I don't want so that I can get rid of them and it looks better. Of course, that would be stupid. It is tempting, though. There are also other things which are worrying me, but that is probably going to involve the biggest amount of trauma (I prefer my trauma to be soft and velvety, not this crappy pain, illness and dying sort some people have to put up with). I am mostly terrified about teaching maths, big career decisions with approaching deadlines and moving out of our current house.

We are thinking of moving here for about a year. The housing market is due to crash in that time, and we may be able to afford a house at that point. If nothing else, this move will give us (me) the impetus to de-clutter so that the next move will be easier, and we will not have too much crap in our first real home.

It will be very good indeed to be connected, though. I will have friends, pubs and parties within walking distance. I can go cycling along the old cycle track I used to love. Church will be close (although I expect I will still have to drive, as the music is quite heavy and I am knackered after afternoon practice sessions). Serena's house will be just round the back of mine. The kitchen diner will be great for parties.**

I think that it will be good. One last year of connectedness before throwing ourselves into the house search and hopefully finding something that suits us both; in the middle of nowhere with a decent pub less than 10 minutes walk away would probably be great, especially if vegetable-growing facilities could be installed in the back garden.

So now all we have to do right now is wait. It could come to nothing, but I don't think so. Fingers crossed it goes smoothly! I don't quite believe that I had the audacity to get to this stage (HWSNBN was not really on-side, IYSWIM).

*Why do I always seem to want to start my posts with "So"? If you look through the archives you probably won't see it very often, because I mostly make myself delete it.

**I cannot move into a house without at least one party room - that is my main requirement. Part of it is that I need to have one big room. I was brought up in a very large Victorian house and cannot get used to the lack of space in so many houses within my price range. The other part is that I will not live in a house in which I can't have parties - it's just a bit boring, really.

Thursday, 22 January 2009


Today I signed up to teach a two hour maths lesson to two different groups of 14-16 year-olds next Friday. This will be an interesting challenge. Normally I would say no, as I am not actually a maths teacher, but I think that I might be building up evidence that I am not normal. Anyway, I like a challenge. And they are somewhat desperate.

I am working on a lesson plan at the moment. I need to engage them with something that they wouldn't normally have the opportunity to do in a maths lesson. I want to maybe get them to make something, but I don't yet know how I could fit that in. It has to fit in, time-wise (making things tends to over-run) and also help them to make connections and boost their confidence.

I am a little scared, but I shall work on lesson plans over the weekend; when I know what I am trying to put across I am sure that I shall feel better. Except that by that point it will be less far away. My uncle is a maths teacher, so he will give me some help (and has given me some help, also).

So I shall be busy this weekend. Very busy indeed. The weekend isn't even here yet, and I am busy. Also a little incoherent.

Monday, 12 January 2009

Supporting Elizabeth

In response to Elizabeth's request for help, I suggested that we could set up a buddy system to make sure that any commitment we made to Elizabeth would be kept. I initially suggested that we could get into small groups in order to support each other.

Reading people's responses to Elizabeth gave me the impression that there were some people who wanted to help but could in no way promise to be reliable, mostly due to their own health concerns. This saddened me a little, and I wondered if it would be possible to provide a framework to enable these people to help Elizabeth, also.

With the help of the boyfriend, I think that I have come up with a plan which will enable everyone to do what they can without the worry that things will not get done. This would be a buddy scheme in which everyone was involved, and would be based on this website:

The way I envisage it working is that everyone who wants to make a commitment to e-mail Elizabeth does so. They then enter the details onto the website (or let me know the details and I will enter them myself). This sets up a daily, weekly or monthly task that displays, in date and time order, so that everyone can see it. When anyone completes their task, they go onto the website and mark the task as completed.

If an item was not marked as completed by a certain time period after its due time (we might want to discuss this), the person monitoring the site would complete the task (i.e. send the e-mail) themselves. The idea behind this is that some people would not know whether or not they will be able to send the e-mail until either they do send it, or they do not send it; there would be no need to let anyone know in advance whether or not they would be OK to do that. There would therefore have to be people monitoring the site (details to follow).

There would be no guilt and no judgement associated with not sending the e-mail when you were supposed to - this is intended to be a support system, not a way to make people feel bad. It is expected that some of the people I would like to take part will often not be able to send the e-mails they are down for, and this is to be a friendly safety net.

The time zone we would be working on is Victoria time, as that is Elizabeth's time zone. This is GMT - 8 hours. Details of your time zone can be found here:

As I mentioned above, we would need people to keep an eye on the site. I can commit to Sunday, Monday and Friday 08.00 - 16.00 Victoria time, and will often also be able to do the same on Thursdays and Saturdays. This means that we could well need people to oversee the site on Tuesday and Wednesday 08.00 - 16.00, and every day 16.00 - 00.00. I am aware that this is very much based on my thoughts (other people may have different times for availability), and also that, once we know when e-mails are due to be sent, the amount of monitoring will go down as people will just need to check the site when e-mails are due to have been sent.

If people were to volunteer to monitor the site, they would take full responsibility for checking the site at appropriate intervals and sending missed e-mails promptly. I think that they should also make it known if they encounter any problems. I think that this would be as flexible as possible - people do what they can and make sure that as much coverage as possible happens.

If people who were not monitoring the site noticed that an e-mail needed sending (after the due time), they could mark the e-mail as sent and then send it themselves. If people fell behind with their sending, they might want to talk to other people about setting up a smaller buddy system between themselves, but then again they may not. There would certainly be no requirement to do so.

If people wanted to add tasks such as sending letters, I think that this would be a slightly different system (although not necessarily). My thought is that I personally would not like to commit to sending letters in lieu of letters sent by somebody else, as I find writing letters really difficult as it is and struggle to get my own done. I would be happy to amend my letters to include, say, $5 for beer/a treat, or whatever, though. This is a topic I am happy to discuss further if anyone wants to do so.

Let me know what you think in the comments. If you want to take part in this, please e-mail me: optistatic at hotmail dot co dot uk. My Remember The Milk e-mail address is a different one, which I am happy to give out on an individual basis but do not want to have published on the Internet. Once I receive your e-mail I will invite you to join Remember the Milk as a friend though my other e-mail account, and we will see if we can get this concept off the ground!

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Too much felting

You know that you have spent too much time felting when you notice a bit of puffiness in your cheek and think, "It's OK - I'll just stab it with a needle a bit and it will look better."

On the other hand, the goldfish I started to make is very nearly finished. It is a bit puffy in parts, and I have spent a long time stabbing it with a needle to reduce that puffiness; for the goldfish, fortunately, that method works rather well.

Thursday, 8 January 2009


I have been tagged by Lisa. In the spirit of memery, I am supposed to list 25 random things about myself and then tag 25 people. Here goes:
  1. Although I am happy to do memes, I disagree with inflicting them on other people. It is a bit too much like those chain e-mails which say that if you do not pass them on to seven other people a kitten will die and you will stay poor forever. Also, I do not know 25 other bloggers who would be likely to appreciate the gesture from me. Mostly, of course, because I do not know 25 other bloggers. Naturally, if they knew me they would be falling over themselves to accept a chain-e-mail-like meme. As a result of this, I shall fail in half of the meme task which has been assigned to me. Sorry about that.
  2. Sometimes I talk too much, and go off at tangents which are probably best left alone. Sometimes this upsets people, especially if they are very uptight.
  3. I am better at bringing people together and helping them to make friends with each other than I am at making friends with these people myself.
  4. This used to bother me, but doesn't any more.
  5. I am generally quite laid-back and accepting...
  6. Except for if you are wrong. Different, I can do, but wrong is just not right. Especially with spelling and grammar.
  7. I tend to be very obedient to authority when I perceive that it is right, but not necessarily otherwise. I do not like people who know less than me to be in charge of me.
  8. I am very good at moving numbers around and making sense of them using computer programmes. I have produced some beautiful graphs.
  9. I am seriously considering taking the clarinet up again in a couple of weeks (when it is returned to me). This may not impress my next-door neighbour. I gather that he is slightly deaf, and pray that this will be enough to save him. HWSNBN will, of course, be angered by the noise, and this project will not last long. At least felting is quiet...
  10. Between the ages of 10 and 18 I rode horses most weeks (well, ponies at first). I really wish that I had the time and money to do this again. I have enough inclination for the me who is not busy every evening, and who does not work full-time, but that version of me is an imaginary one. I am well aware that I could now go out and buy a horse for myself (although there would have to be sacrifices made somewhere!); my younger self would be extremely disappointed to know that I do not plan to do this at any point (although should someone thrust one upon me, it would probably not be wholly unwelcome. It could go in my back garden, with the cat poo).
  11. I do not have a very big back garden. Remind me to show you a photo if I am still there this summer, and it doesn't rain (i.e. I go out and use it) and I tidy up and do not forget to take a photo. But not before then; it's not very pretty at the moment, what with the cat poo, the overgrown moss lawn and the abandoned plant pots.
  12. I am considering learning how to spin wool. Alas, it is hard to find the time and opportunity to go and visit the lady who might be willing to teach me (she lives Down South), and also I do not knit. I think that I will learn to knit one day, though.
  13. I was born on 13th June. I think that this is a good day on which to be born, as it is about as far away from Christmas as it is possible to get; I always used to enjoy the bi-annual cash injections.
  14. I am very lazy and find it hard to motivate myself to exercise, even when I really enjoy the particular form of exercise I am failing to do.
  15. The thing about being a man which I want for myself is the ability to wee standing up without any special equipment (comes as standard) and without making a mess (although it must be admitted that many men do not actually use this second ability). This would be most useful when going for long walks in the countryside, but can also be useful at other times, I believe.
  16. Although I am straight, I believe that women's bodies tend to be far more aesthetically pleasing than those belonging to men. Women are just better-designed.
  17. I am 5'4" tall. This would be average height if I were my mother's age, but people have got a bit taller since then. I am therefore slightly below average in height.
  18. I have very wide feet. This makes buying shoes that fit comfortably problematic. Despite this, I have a lot of shoes and boots.
  19. I buy most of my clothes from my local charity shop. The price of clothes in real shops has always dismayed me (I feel slightly affronted if I am expected to pay more than £3 for a cardigan), and these past few years it has thankfully not been an issue.
  20. My parents always seem to be supportive of whatever new plan I come up with. I think that the trick to achieving this was lowering their expectations by getting a much less good degree than they wanted then languishing about unemployed for several months. After that, everything was an improvement!
  21. I can't play the trumpet. I kind of feel that I should be able to, but it is too late to learn now, given how much work I should be putting into the piano, organ and clarinet (but mostly because I don't love it enough. If I couldn't play the organ now, I would want to start; I am so glad that I do not have to face that particular challenge!). This time does not need to be divided further!
  22. I bite my nails. I tried giving up a few years ago, but discovered that I really hate having my nails even slightly long. Given that I was going to have to keep cutting them very short, I decided that this wasn't a habit I could be bothered breaking. I bite them less than I used to (except for when I am very bored), so that is good. It is no fun having over-bitten nails.
  23. Even though I am getting on a bit, I still get spots. I do not think that I will ever outgrow them entirely. This does not seem very fair to me. I am thankful for my freckles, which mean that my skin is not flawless anyway; the spots have plenty of irregularity to hide in. Also, I like my freckles anyway.
  24. My favourite pen is a fountain pen given to my first boyfriend by his mother for his 21st birthday. Hey - at least it still gets used!
  25. My handwriting is abysmal; if this blog were handwritten, it would not have any readers at all.
That wasn't really very interesting, was it. Hm. I shall probably not do anything about that, ever. Because I am a slacker (look - one for free!). It's not really about the meme, is it; it's about what one does with the meme to show how witty, quirky and interesting one is. The meme is simply a tool. I suppose it also shows a degree of validation; one tags other people with the meme* to show acceptance and interest. Perhaps I am being mean by not forwarding this meme to other people; I am missing out on an opportunity to show people that they are important, and that I want to hear from them. Perhaps I am simply demonstrating how my heart is small and shrivelled, like a prune or a raisin. Sorry about that, guys.

Having said that, it could be seen that passing on a meme is a shameless self-promotion tool. I do not think that I would generally think that of someone passed a meme to me, but I would worry that people thought I was doing that if I passed a meme to them. And also being very annoying. As I am naturally a very annoying person, I often refrain from making contact with people so as to avoid annoying them.

Passing a meme? That either sounds like a bathroom experience one hopes to avoid forever, or a contamination episode. With a virus. They multiply, if instructions are followed; all we can do is quarantine ourselves until the effects pass.

So, consider yourself tagged if you want to be tagged (and let me know if you do consider yourself to be tagged: pass on either your outrage at my shameless self-promotion or a link to your answers), and consider yourself let off lightly if you do not consider yourself to be tagged.


*Is this a real thing? Does one simply tag a person (but not with anything; just tag them generally), and request that they complete a meme,** or does one tag them with a meme, or with the imperative of meme-completion, or what? Is it possible to tag with nothing?

**Does a meme get completed, or done, or written, or participated in,*** or something else? I know nothing about meme-speak. My ignorance burns like hot candle wax.

***I know - dodgy preposition positioning - they shouldn't go at the end.****

****"At the end" is a type of preposition. I know this because I asked an English lecturer about this once at her daughter's engagement party. She explained what sort of preposition it was, and told me its name ("compound" may have been involved), but I forgot it, despite being really eager to hear the answer. Sieve-like brains can sometimes be disadvantageous.

Friday, 2 January 2009

Conversations with felt animals

This evening I am home alone. HWSNBN and Vlad have gone out drinking together and sometimes it is more fun without me. I have a book and the Internet to keep me company. And, funnily enough, a lot of tidying to do; it being the story of my life and all that.

Yesterday I made an evil flying pig out of felt. Perhaps I should put a photo of him on here. Hold on a minute...
There he is with his friend the Wonky Sheep (whose legs do not sit at each corner like those of a Normal Sheep, but which sit in different places, like those of a sheep specially adapted to stand on a very specific bit of rough terrain), asking two questions:*
  1. Why did I just stick a wire up his bum** to make it look like he was flying in a photograph? It hurt and he was not impressed;
  2. Given my photo-taking exploits of the past few days, why can I still not make the camera focus on objects which are close to me? Is it an innate deficiency in my brain, do I need more practice (he begs that I do not practise on him while he is impaled in an unfortunate place), or do I need a new camera? Being in rather a bad mood, he suspects that it is the former. He is bitter and resentful that I did not make the photograph I took, in which he was so carefully impaled as to look as though he was flying, count. I had better not publish it here; it is not very good.
The Wonky Sheep does not know the answers to his questions, of course, despite being many days older than the Flying Pig, and thus having so much more Life Experience. Wonky Sheep does not have eyes, you see, and cannot conceive of a photograph, nor why it would be useful. He does, however, opine that perhaps I should get out more.

*The two questions to which I refer, of course, are the ones at the beginning of each bullet point. Which is shaped like a number just to confuse me.

**Well, where would you stick it? The hole that it left is entirely appropriate in context. The pig is glowering at me. Perhaps I should not have given it eyes. Also, given that he was made by a process of stabbing a ball of wool with a needle repeatedly, you would have thought he would have built up a tolerance for such things by now.