Thursday, 20 December 2012

Conversations I have at work, mostly inside my head - conversation the first

Wood: But I’m hungry.
Me: You’re wood; of course you’re not hungry. Wood doesn’t get hungry.
W: Just look at me. You know I’m hungry. Don’t try to deny it.
M: OK, perhaps you are hungry.
W: I’m really, really hungry.
M: Yes, I suppose that you are.
W: Please feed me.
M: I haven’t got any food for you here. Anyway, look at all of the other wood. It’s hungry, too. If I feed you, you’ll look out of place. It’s not as though I could feed all of the wood. Anyway, as I’ve already said, I don’t have any food for you.
W: You’ve got a snack.
M: You don’t need a snack: you need food.
W: I’ll take a snack. It would be a start.
M: No. I’ve already said I’m not feeding you. I can’t feed all of the wood.
W: Have you any idea how cruel you are being? Just because you can’t feed all of the wood, it doesn’t stop you from giving one tiny little snack to me; then at least I’d be better. And I am the part that gets used the most. I am the hungriest. And I am closest to you, too. You could give me a nice little snack while you get on with your other work.
M: OK, then. I’ll give you a little snack. And I’m sorry I didn’t bring any food. If I were coming this way again, I’d totally bring food for you.
W: I bet you wouldn’t feed all of the other panels.
M: No, pr- hey! Whose side are you on?
W: I’m hungry. Please feed me.
M: Ooh. Looking all innocent there. Hmm.
*Applies beeswax polish* (a poor second to wood reviver)
W: Oh yeah. Mm. Yeah. Just up a little… There. That’s better.
*Makes other contented noises*
M: That better?
W: A bit, thanks. Any chance of removing the excess? Only it’s all sticky.
M: *removes excess wax* *admires comparatively shiny surface, which doesn’t look as though it wants to suck actual people through its pores any more*
W: See? You feel better now, don’t you.
M: Yes. Yes, I do.

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